Schmetzer cleared but the mystery remains

Authorities last night gave Magdalen Park tennis ace Paulo "foul mouth" Schmetzer the all-clear regarding his alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. Schmetzer's cups and mugs revealed unusual amounts of alcohol, but no nandrilone.

Experts will be analysing Dave the Barman's secret cupboard following careless whispers of "spiked drinks" from Vth team opponents who fell asleep waiting for a Marcus Clay second serve.