Fitness regime and dodgy tennis tactics questioned as Sutton sneak 3-1 win

It was a tennis match the form books said should have been a shoo-in. Gavin Rose - "Oh rose thou art sick" - and Matthew "bill by the minute" Wakefield both claimed a flimsy training regime and a demanding singles league scheduled had undermined their doubles game. "A pathetic excuse," said Coach Willcocks. "They were available enough to do paid work 9-5 and enjoy long lunches." The pair lost two three-setters, panting to the last.

Marcus "heavy" Clay and Graeme "not so" Goode, a virgin pairing, were promptly deflowered 6-2, 6-3, but rebounded to win their next rubber 7-6, 6-1. "We'd never played together before, let alone knocked up," muttered Goode. "Who picks these teams and on what basis?"